A wake can be the moment when the formalities of a funeral give way to stories, familiar faces and the small comforts of being together. If you are wondering how to plan a wake, there is no single right way to do it. Some families want a quiet cup of tea with close relatives; others need a larger gathering where friends, neighbours and colleagues can pay their respects.
The best wake reflects the person who has died and gives those attending room to remember them in their own way. It does not need to be elaborate to be meaningful. A little thought, a clear plan and permission to keep things simple can make the day feel manageable.
Decide what the wake is for
Before booking a venue or arranging food, consider what you would like the gathering to provide. A wake may be a chance to welcome people who have travelled, to share memories after a church service or cremation, or simply to ensure nobody has to go straight home alone after an emotional day.
Think about the personality and wishes of the person who has died. Someone sociable may have enjoyed a busy pub room, favourite music and a table full of photographs. For a private person, a quieter gathering in a family home or small hotel lounge may feel more fitting. There is no obligation to follow a particular tradition.
It can also help to agree who will make the final decisions. Grief can make even straightforward choices feel overwhelming, and different relatives may have different views. Choosing one or two people to coordinate practical details can prevent confusion while still allowing others to contribute memories, photographs or food.
How to plan a wake: start with time, place and numbers
Most wakes are held straight after the funeral, but this is not essential. If the funeral is likely to be a long day, or close family need time to travel, you may prefer to hold a separate gathering on another day. A later celebration of life can also be a good option when many people want to attend but arrangements need more time.
Choose a venue that feels comfortable
The right venue depends largely on numbers, budget and atmosphere. A family home can feel warm and personal, particularly for a smaller group, although it may place pressure on the hosts. A pub, hotel, village hall, golf club or community venue can offer more space and remove the burden of clearing up afterwards.
When speaking to a venue, explain that it is for a funeral wake. Many local venues are experienced in supporting bereaved families and can advise on a private room, timings, catering and accessibility. Ask about parking, step-free access, toilets, seating for older guests, children’s facilities if needed, and whether people can arrive before the funeral party.
In East Devon, travel times matter more than they may seem on paper. A venue close to the crematorium, church or cemetery can be kindest for elderly guests and those unfamiliar with the area. If the funeral is in Budleigh Salterton or Exmouth, allow extra time for people to make their way between locations, especially during busy periods.
Estimate numbers without aiming for perfection
You may not know exactly how many people will attend, and that is normal. Start with immediate family, close friends, neighbours, work colleagues and members of any clubs, faith groups or organisations that mattered to the person who died.
Give the venue a realistic estimate and ask how much notice they need for a final number. It is usually sensible to cater for a little more than you expect, but avoid paying for a formal meal if a relaxed buffet would suit better. People often come and go at a wake, so flexible food and an open arrival time can work well.
Keep food and drink simple and welcoming
Food is not the centrepiece of a wake, but offering refreshments is a practical expression of care. Tea, coffee, soft drinks and a modest buffet are often all that is needed. Sandwiches, soup, cake or favourite family recipes can feel more personal than an extensive menu.
Consider the time of day. Following a morning funeral, guests may appreciate a more substantial lunch. After an afternoon service, tea, cake and light savouries may be enough. If alcohol is served, make sure there are good non-alcoholic choices too, particularly for drivers, young people and anyone who would prefer not to drink.
If someone enjoyed cooking, gardening, baking or a particular local food, a small nod to that interest can be touching. This could be as simple as their favourite biscuits on the table or a recipe card for guests to take home. The gesture matters more than expense.
Let people know what to expect
The funeral notice, service sheet or personal messages can include the wake details. Be clear about the venue, approximate start time and whether everyone is welcome. A phrase such as ‘all are welcome to join the family afterwards’ helps people feel included, while ‘family and close friends are invited’ gently sets a boundary when a smaller gathering is needed.
You do not have to personally contact every attendee. Ask relatives or trusted friends to pass information through friendship groups, workplaces or community circles. If numbers are limited, it is kinder to be straightforward than to leave people uncertain.
For a gathering at home, consider practical boundaries in advance. You might ask a neighbour to help with parking, arrange for someone to replenish tea and coffee, or set a clear finishing time. It is perfectly acceptable to say that the wake will run from, for example, 2pm to 5pm.
Create space for memories, without forcing the mood
A wake does not need an agenda. People often naturally begin sharing stories once they see one another. Still, a few gentle personal touches can help create a sense of connection.
A table with photographs, a favourite jumper, gardening tools, medals, books or other meaningful items can prompt memories. You could provide a notebook for guests to write a message, or ask people to bring a photograph to add to an album. If music feels right, choose a small playlist that can sit quietly in the background rather than dominate conversation.
Speeches are optional. Some families welcome a short toast, reading or thank you from a relative; others would find that too difficult after the funeral service. There is no need to recreate the ceremony. Allowing people to talk freely, laugh when laughter comes, and be quiet when they need to be is often enough.
Share the practical tasks
The person closest to the loss should not have to spend the wake organising chairs, collecting coats or answering every question. Before the day, ask a few trusted people to take on specific jobs. One person might greet guests, another could liaise with the venue, and someone else may be happy to gather cards, flowers or photographs at the end.
It is also worth planning how you will get home. Bereavement is exhausting, and the day can pass in a blur. Arrange a lift, have someone take food home for you, or ask a relative to check in later that evening. These small arrangements can make a significant difference.
Be mindful of cost and what is genuinely needed
A meaningful wake can be held on almost any budget. A private room and buffet may be convenient, but a gathering in a home, village hall or favourite café may feel equally appropriate. Choose what is sustainable for your family rather than what you think others will expect.
If you are arranging the funeral as well, tell your funeral director what you have in mind. They may be able to suggest suitable local venues or help ensure the timing works around the service. At Otter Valley Funerals, practical guidance is part of caring for families, not an added pressure at an already difficult time.
The people who attend will remember the welcome they received, the stories they heard and the person at the heart of the day. Let the wake be as simple, lively, quiet or individual as it needs to be – and allow others to look after you, too.